Everyone is looking for that person they have an elusive spark with!
There are so many ways to meet in the modern dating world however, it seems harder than ever to find.
We live in a fast moving world where things happen instantly and in the dating world we often still expect things to happen just as quickly. When that doesn’t occur people are willing to do whatever it takes to find an easy solution. They will spend money on sites like EHarmony, OK Cupid, Match.com, go to a Matchmaker or go even go on reality shows like Married At First Site. All in the hope that science has the answer! They hope that there is a scientifically proven matching system that will cut through all the crap and find you that one elusive person.
Unfortunately nothing could be further from the truth! There is no formula, algorithm or magic solution to finding the one.
Dr. Samantha Joel of the University of Utah has carried out years of scientific research in this space and discovered that you cannot predict with any level of accuracy who will choose who!
Her team of researchers asked 350 undergrads at Northwestern University to fill out questionnaires about their personalities and romantic preferences. They were asked questions about their values, goals, self-esteem, loneliness, what they were looking for in a partner, etc.
They then got the singles to meet in a series of 4 minute speed dates and make their choices.
Dr Joel and her team then used an algorithm to see if they could predict who would be a match.
The result was NOT what they had expected.
The algorithm had zero success predicting a match! That’s right zero!
The researchers were genuinely surprised as they believed they could predict who would be a match based on key indicators. They didn’t expect to be right all of the time but did expect some level of success. But they literally could not predict who would be a good match romantically.
Attraction is a mystery, and science proves that!
The dictionary meaning of chemistry is: ‘the complex emotional or psychological interaction between people.’
I love this definition of chemistry, how it is complex, because it is. Even the experts cannot predict with any accuracy why people choose who they do!
Definition. … While chemistry has been described as “that romantic spark between [two people]”, the term “spark” in the context of relationships is as vague as “chemistry”, and therefore is not particularly useful in a definition. It has also been described as “intangible, unspoken [and] energetic”.
It was also interesting to note that although the singles studied specified deal breakers (things that they explicitly said they didn’t want in a partner), those deal breakers went out the window when they met someone they were attracted to! Dr Joel spoke about this from the stage of a recent TED Talk.
There is another scientific reason for this – it comes down to the chemicals that are released and how they affect your brain. There is the cliché that love makes you blind and it is a cliché because it is true! In fact the right frontal cortex of our brains shuts down in relation to judgement about the person we fall in love with!
Research has found that love really is a drug. Studies have shown the brain chemical dopamine is at higher levels in those in love. Tests show that taking opioid drugs such as cocaine have a similar effect on dopamine as love.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work, however one of the biggest reasons are basing your choice on chemistry alone.
Chemistry or that spark is often driven by your past or your need for sexual connection. In fact, chemistry will literally blind you to potential deal breakers and things you don’t like about a person when you meet them.
Chemistry is important; however it is no guarantee of success in a relationship, in fact it can lead to some of the worst relationships. It is important to know that it is only one ingredient necessary to create a good relationship. You also need shared values, good communication and shared goals to create a successful relationship.
So before you get carried away with chemistry check whether you have the same values and want the same things in life.