How do you get over your divorce and date?
You imagined marriage was for life and can’t believe you are in this position.
You are lonely and long for companionship but you are absolutely terrified of making the same mistake again!
Maybe you are nervous about putting yourself out there! What do you do? How do you move on and get yourself out there? To help you I want to share some tips to get over your divorce and date.
11 Tips to Get over Your Divorce and Date
1. Get to Know Yourself After Divorce
Start with dating yourself so you can get to know yourself! When you have come out of a committed relationship you may have lost who you are. In fact, it is easy to lose yourself in marriage as you have been compromising and trying to make the other person happy. It is way too easy to see and define yourself by how your partner saw you. That is why it is important to reconnect with the parts of yourself you might have neglected when you were married.
How? Take that dance/acting/cooking or painting class you have always wanted to. Experiment and try all the things you have ever wanted to do because it is never too late to live the life you have dreamt of! This lets you work out what makes you happy, which is essential when you get back into dating!
2. Take the Time to Grieve After Your Divorce
Divorce is a big deal and one of the most stressful things you will ever go through. When you divorce your world as you know it ends and the longer you have been married the harder it is. Not only does your whole life change you may also experience judgment from other people. This is particularly hard to go through. If your partner died you would be surrounded by support and sympathy, but divorce comes with judgment and the sense you have failed.
You will often lose friends as long as a husband/wife; will have angry children who you may now have limited time with. It can feel the equivalent of cutting half your body off and still having to go about your daily life!
It is tough and it is important to feel your feelings rather than suppress them. Just like when someone dies, it is important to mourn your marriage and your old life whether the divorce was your choice or not. Allow yourself time to come to terms with all the changes you are going through. Don’t pressure, force or rush yourself to be ok. It can be too easy to feel like you need to be positive all the time but it is okay to feel bad at times as you pass through your grief. In fact, it is entirely normal and natural to do so.
3. Get Some Help
To deal with changes or to work out what went wrong it might be important to get some help. Research suggests that people choose a similar person the second time around and that is why the rate of divorce is higher for 2nd marriages. It is also important to learn how to have the skills to create a wonderful healthy relationship. It is not something we are taught and we often follow what you saw growing up. This is an area I specialise in – enabling people to create a happy relationship and be successful in the most important area of their lives the 2nd time around.
This can help you make sense of the senseless. It can allow you to work out why you stayed in the relationship so long, the ways you may have unintentionally contributed to the issues, etc. It allows you to see what you need to bring into your next relationship…and what unhealthy habits to ditch.
4. Identify Your Patterns
Look at your patterns when it comes to relationships so those patterns don’t keep reoccurring. It is also important to deal with the hurt of the past, or you will continue to bring that hurt into your future. For instance, if you were cheated on you may be highly suspicious or controlling of anyone you date. This will create unnecessary problems, as well as create self-fullfilling prophecies.
5. Be Clear about What you Want After Your Divorce
Love is the one area most people leave to chance allowing chemistry to be the determining factor, rather than shared values/qualities. Do you know what you need to be happy? That hot guy or girl becomes less attractive when you feel unheard or unvalued yet again. Be clear about what is important to you and what you need. This is based on how you want to feel rather than superficial qualities.
If you divorced because you wanted children and your ex didn’t – don’t date someone who doesn’t want kids. If travel is something you crave don’t date the person who never wants to leave the country. This may sound simple but they are the things that cause people to break up in the long run.
Make a list of what you can and can’t live with! Be clear about what you must have in a relationship and what your deal breakers and stick to them. Keep it simple, maybe five of each. Look at your past relationships to see what your patterns have been. No-one will be perfect but it is good to be clear about what YOU need.
6. Do Something Different
Get out of your comfort zone! Use dating to discover what you want and what works for you.
If you want to stop history repeating do something different and date outside of your ‘type.’ Make sure you connect with how you feel when you are with them or without them, it should feel good. When you go on a date, do things you wouldn’t have done in your marriage. Maybe something active, novel, fun, exciting or just chilled. This will get you out of your patterns and routine and put you in the right space for a different type of relationship.
7. Take it Slow
It can be all too easy to want to rush into something when you are lonely but it is important to take your time. Get to know the person! This takes at least three months.
To be certain someone is right for you, you need time to get to know them and if they are a good fit for you. Take your time to build a solid foundation for your next relationship.
Talk but also be aware that actions always speak louder than words.
Date different people after your divorce to know what you want and remember to have fun and not take it all too seriously. When you get so focused on not making a mistake again, you can put way too much pressure on the other person. As a result, you will come across as unnatural.
Oh, and if you find that you’ve jumped into the dating world too quickly, it’s fine to take a break and spend more time on your own.
8. Don’t Lose Yourself After Divorce
It is important to stay true to yourself and what you want. Don’t twist yourself, like a pretzel to be what someone else wants. To get the relationship you want it is important to be yourself and to be authentic.
If you are an over giver, “ask yourself if you would behave this way and make these sacrifices for friends or people you work with.” If you wouldn’t, then you could be acting this way to keep the other person around and to avoid loneliness. If you become what someone else wants you won’t be happy in the long term and nor will they.
9. Don’t overshare…
When you get back into the dating world it can be all too easy to talk about what went wrong in your marriage. Don’t do this too early as it can just be an indication you are not over your ex and doesn’t build a connection with the person you are dating. There is plenty of time down the track to talk about this ‘stuff’. If someone asks you why your marriage didn’t work, simply say – “It didn’t work out, when I get to know you more I share more’. Just because you are asked a question doesn’t mean you have to go into the long story of heartache!
10. Date Outside of Type
You have changed, so should your choice in who you date. If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten. If you find yourself attracted to someone who’s different to anyone you’ve ever dated but has the qualities you want, go for it.
11. Trust your Gut
Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right it generally isn’t.
Remember Dare2Date is here to support you after a divorce and enable you to create the relationship you have always imagined. Click here for more details on our coaching packages.
Here’s to your success.