Have you been delegated the role of the nice guy?
Do you fail to make progress with women and simply get friend zoned?
If this is you, I want to give you a practical way to turn this around.
What it Means to be a Nice Guy
Let’s start by looking at is what it really means to be the ‘nice’ guy.
Nice guys want to be liked by everyone! If you looked at the overall story of their life it would be the need to have everyone’s approval.
Why?
Because they don’t like themselves! They look for others approval because they don’t feel great about themselves.
The problem with this is no matter how nice you are not everyone will like you! It is a losing game!
The thing about being nice and attempting to please people is that you end up not being true to yourself. You ignore what you want for what other people want. This will only hurt you and keep you in the friend zone.
It is time to be the authentic you! What does authentic mean?
The dictionary meaning: of undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine.
Your authentic self is found at your core. It is the part of you not defined by your job or your relationships. It is all of your skills, talents and wisdom. It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you are supposed to be and do.
Authenticity is not a default behavior! It seems easier just to be what others want you to be, whether that means agreeing with your boss when you don’t or choosing to wear clothes you hate to fit in with a group of friends.
To be authentic, you need to have the courage to be imperfect. You have to believe that you are worthy of love and acceptance, just as you are. Even when it’s hard, and even when you believe you are not good enough.
Every time you try to be a nice guy at the cost of being authentic or being honest you are hurting yourself. It may be a small lie or agreeing with something that you don’t believe but it all affects the way you feel about yourself.
Honesty, integrity and courage are at the core of confidence and high self-esteem. Every time you sacrifice one of these principles you are damaging your self-esteem. Do this for long enough and there will be nothing left.
Recovering From Being Nice Guy
Anytime you want to change the first step is to be aware of what you are actually doing. If you don’t realize it is a problem you can’t change it.
It is time to look at everything you do and see what really motivates you to do it! Ask yourself if you are doing what you are doing to be liked or are you doing it because you actually want to.
Are you putting others first just to be liked? Do you ignore your needs because you crave approval?
Your mind will justify your actions in 2 ways:
1. Make your behavior seen logical and rational.
2. Will judge others for not doing what you do.
You will tell yourself that you are just being nice. Every time you go out of your way for other people you will justify it by the thought – that is what a nice person does.
When you are being nice it makes you feel good– it makes you feel like you are better than other people.
What happens is you judge others for not being as nice as you.
If you look deeper into this judgment you will find jealousy. Jealousy because you know deep down that people who have boundaries don’t sacrifice for others and they actually get what they want. Deep down you wish you were them, but you can’t give up the approval you get from being nice. You end up being a martyr with load of resentment to people who aren’t like you.
If you look at how much a nice guy judges a player you will see lots of jealousy. He judges the player for the way he treats the girl, but in reality he wishes he could have her. He can’t be with her so he resorts to bitterness and taking a holier than thou route.
Not being assertive comes back to a fear of rejection. You feel that if you speak up for yourself and say exactly how you feel and what you want, you will be rejected.
But it is time to get your self-esteem from within – instead of from the approval of others.
Being liked is only a bad thing when it’s your only means of feeling good about yourself.
It is time to realize that people who set limits and go for what they want are seen as confident, so why wouldn’t you want this for yourself?
How to Change
I am hear you ask – how can I change!
Or saying this will be TOO hard!
Now I am not going to tell you that change will not be challenging – it will. You have been the nice guy all of your life and it is an ingrained habit. You have spent a lot of time agreeing with people and doing things you don’t want to do.
You are used to the approval you get from others for being the nice guy. It has been the method you have used to feel good about yourself.
To change you need to be committed to take serious action.
Research has shown it takes 21 days of continuous action to change a habit. Neuroscience backs this up. Research has found that the brain is constantly rewiring itself based on our daily experiences. The brain has the ability to change its neural connections and you can do this by changing your thoughts and how you act.
So let’s take the 21 day challenge to get rid of the ‘nice guy’ and be the ‘authentic’ you.
For 21 days I want you to stand up for yourself. It is time to say no!
Here are the steps I want you to take:
- Tell people you are taking a 21 day challenge – this will force you to be committed to the challenge. It may help if you have another ‘nice’ guy friend and get him to take the challenge with you!
- SAY NO! It is time to set limits. Start by saying no a couple of times, you will find that the sky doesn’t fall in and people don’t take it as bad as you had imagined.
- By changing the way you interact, and not always saying ‘yes’, people will change the way they behave with you. You will find that you have to say ‘no’ less and less as people realise they can no longer take advantage of you.
- I want YOU to think about all the things you do that you don’t want to! Then write a list of what they are – this will allow you to become aware of exactly how much a problem this is in your life. It’s not wrong to do for things for other people but only if it’s done on your own terms. Help only if you want to and without the expectation of getting something in return.
5. It is important to know what your priorities are. The needs of others should come fourth on your list of priorities AFTER your health, integrity and your purpose.
6. Honesty and integrity must be a priority above being liked. It is time to be open with your opinion and be upfront with people.
7. Stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to love yourself and draw self-esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self-esteem drops.
8. Remember not everyone will like you – it is a simple fact of life and seriously why care! The really cool thing is when you stop trying to get people to like you, you will actually become more likeable and draw the right people into your life.
I want to warn you that you may lose some friends in this process because people are so used to you doing what they want. They are losing their doormat and the guy who would bend over backwards and do anything for them!
The good thing is the people who remain your friends will be genuine and like you for YOU. The other thing you will find is you will draw more genuine friends into your life.
The Outcome
If you stick to the challenge you will have changed your belief and behaviors on a deep level. When you change how you think and act your brain gets on board straight away – despite years of being the nice guy.
At the end of the 21 days it will be difficult to go back to who you used to be. The new “not so nice guy” behaviors will be programmed and ingrained into you.
Deb x
