Are you addicted to the wrong guy?

By 23 August, 2015 December 28th, 2015 Advice for Women, Blog
addicted to the wrong guy

There are a lot of amazing/beautiful women who are with guys who don’t give them what they want, who are unavailable or who blow hot and cold. Why do women put up with these sorts of relationships?

In my experience as a dating coach there are a lot of emotionally unavailable men who still enjoy the company of attractive women and are skilled at getting what they want without being available. Often these men have been hurt in the past and have a fear of intimacy.

These guys are very skilled at giving women compliments and telling them exactly what they want to hear. They know how to make a women feel like a million dollars! They want to see you all the time and then all of a sudden they just disappear, making you wonder what happened or what you did wrong. As soon as you have gotten over them, they reappear!

Have you heard about the research carried out by B F Skinner in the 1950s, called a variable schedule of rewards? The studies found that lab mice found unexpected results more exciting and these results have also been found consistent in humans.

This explains why women love inconsistent men! Women are prone to fall for these guys again and again. These guys are the perfect recipe for addiction because they make you feel so good and present the excitement of not knowing what is happening. Think of it like gambling- people get addicted to gambling because of the excitement and anticipation of a win. This anticipation keeps people coming back and spending more and more money.

Once you have gotten a taste for the exciting ups and downs of a man who is in and out of your life it is hard to choose something else – your brain literally looks for the same type of excitement. It finds the normal and safe boring. It explains why women will literally accept the ‘crumbs’ offered by a guy as it is like a random reward.

So if you are dating one of these guys, what should you do?

  1. Be aware of what you are doing and take responsibility for your actions. Don’t play the victim and think it is just the way it is – that you are attracted to crap men.
  2. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself.
  3. Take action, it is your life and you are in control of how you allow someone to treat you. Remember you teach people how they can treat you by what you accept. Don’t fall into the trap of excusing bad behaviour, thinking he will change. If you do this you could waste years in a toxic unfulfilling relationship.
  4. Take charge and tell him you are not interested. In these situations women waste a lot of time hoping the guy will change or things will go back to when they were good. It is all too easy to waste time hoping things will get better. Guys are simple – when they are into you, you will know it. When you take charge and let him know that you are not interested in a half hearted relationship, he will either step up or move on. It will feel empty at first but it gets easier.
  5. To help you get through be accountable to someone – it will help keep you on track as it can be easy to feel lonely and go back. Look at your weak spots – identifying them ahead of time and getting someone to help you through these makes it easier.
  6. Distract yourself – go out and try the things you have always wanted to do. When you are busy it is harder to fall back in to a bad pattern of behaviour.
  7. Get some help – coaching or professional counselling can help you overcome addictive behavioural patterns.

Ladies one thing to keep in mind when you meet a guy is to listen to what he tells you. Men (actually people in general) will always tell us who they are, the problem is we make them who we want them to be.  I know plenty of guys who get carried away when they meet someone they like and do want to see them all the time. They give the women plenty of compliments but at the same time still tell her they are not ready. I would listen to the part where they are telling you they are not ready.

As always happy dating x

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