My favourite quote at the moment is – ‘People tell us who they are, but we make them who we want them to be’.
On a first date with someone it is often glaringly obvious the things you don’t like and you can often see that things won’t work. But all too many times these are exactly the things that we all overlook. Being single can be lonely at times and people are often guilty of thinking that anything is better than nothing!
Another reason why we do this is because the person will show us some things that we like and of course there can be chemistry! Now I believe that chemistry is really important and is actually the glue that will keep a couple together. Chemistry and attraction is what makes you want to keep seeing someone through the good and the bad times. The problem with chemistry is it can blind you to all those initial red flags and warning signs – chemistry allows you to make people into what you want them to be rather than who they actually are!!! Don’t ignore the obvious signs!
How do you avoid getting blinded by chemistry??? Well you should know what you are looking for and what is important to you. I am not a believer in in-depth lists but I do believe you should know what will make you happy. So often we really are attracted to people who are quite wrong for us. Everyone should have their ‘deal breakers’! What are deal breakers? Well everyone’s are different and you have to know what is important to you. If someone doesn’t meet the things that are truly important to you don’t waste your time. How often does a chance meeting, a hasty decision lead you somewhere you never wanted to be?
I think the number one deal breaker for EVERYONE should be someone who is not available. The person needs to be free emotionally and physically before you attempt a relationship – if they are not it will never, ever work and will ultimately cause heartache.
Apart from this key dealbreakers the rest may vary and here are some examples:
- One person may want children and the other does not. It may not seem to matter in the beginning but it can be what ends up tearing the relationship apart.
- One person may have young children and you do not want to be a step parent. It may not matter in the early stages as you never meet the children but it can end the relationship hurting all concerned. There can also be issues related to paying child support that cause the other partner stress.
- Being financially unstable.
- Different core beliefs.
- Being insecure.
- Being depressed.
- Obsessive person – workaholic, fanatical enthusiast, incessant exerciser. Obsessive behaviour takes up time and mental energy and often these types of people can be unavailable.
- Drinking/drug taking.
- Different values and moral beliefs.
- Different religious or political views.
- One person likes to socialize and the other does not. If you are a social butterfly and the other person prefers their own company this can cause issues down the track. Also you should be aware of how important friends and family can be to each of you. Some people like to spend a lot of time with their family and friends and will you be able to meet these expectations?
- Be aware of someone who is a loner as they may just be more happy with their own company. I would always say that you should watch out for someone who doesn’t have close friends.
- Jealous – it may initially seem attractive if someone is jealous but trust is very important to a relationship and jealousy can rip a good relationship apart.
- Nothing in common – this may be okay to start with but if he would prefer to spend all of his time at the football and you hate the football this will cause problems.
- Someone who doesn’t know where they are going and is unhappy in life.
Living in different locations.
The list can be endless and quite personal but by clearly defining what you will and will not accept you can save yourself a lot of heartache!