How to Overcome Approach Anxiety

By 4 April, 2016 June 18th, 2020 Advice for Men, Blog
not the 1990s

Approach anxiety is NORMAL. It is the feeling your body gives you when you take risks. It comes from the same part of the brain that is activated when you go bungee jumping or on a roller coaster ride. It is a sign you are moving out of your comfort zone – where everything magical exists! See anxiety as a clear sign you are doing something right!

Embrace it, don’t fight it!

Even the most successful guys experience it! It is how you harness it that matters. The mind and body can’t tell the difference between fear and excitement. The only difference is your attitude to it!

The more you do something the easier it becomes. In every area of your life this is true. Think back on some skill that you struggled to learn and have now mastered. You would have got to the point where you look back and can’t imagine having the struggle in the first place. The same applies to this area. Think of approaching women like running! The more you practice the easier it becomes and the better you get. There is no other way to get better at running than to consistently run – the same applies to approaching/talking to women.

So don’t talk yourself out of approaching, rather desensitise yourself, even embrace rejection. Most of all don’t put so much pressure on the outcome.

What you need to do is to bridge the gap to confidence – bridging the gap means to make a connection between 2 thoughts that have little in common. In this case, it means working on your automatic thoughts and changing them with something your brain can believe.

Here are some example of automatic thoughts, the bridging thought and the new confident thought:

Automatic:            If I talk to her I will be bothering her.

Bridging:                Women like to be approached, it validates them.

Confident:             She will enjoy talking to me.


Automatic           I will get rejected.

Bridging               Everyone likes different people if I am not her type I can talk to another girl.

Confident            She will like me, I will talk to her.


Automatic           People are watching and I will be more embarrassed when I fail.

Bridging               People are more worried about themselves than what I’m doing.

Confident            I don’t care what people think.


Automatic           I don’t know what to talk about so I can’t approach her.

Bridging                I have a few good convo starters, I’ll use them.

Confident            No problem, women love talking to me.

Why does this work? Because you replace the negative fear causing thoughts with  ones that your brain can believe. Your brain needs these believable statements to move from the anxious/fearful state of mind towards confidence. The new thoughts are the building blocks to the new way of thinking! The brain requires effort on your part to change your automatic thoughts. It takes a bit of work but it is effective.

It is all about getting into the habit of changing your thoughts. Remember new habits take a minimum of 21 days to cement. So how long this will take is up to you. There is no quick fix! The more committed you are to consistent action, the better the result will be. Choose your thoughts as carefully as you choose your clothes.

When you do this what happens is your brain will gather evidence to support your new way of thinking. Like you are getting better, the girls are happy to talk to you, they were not ‘bothered’, you knew what to say, you got a phone number, it wasn’t so bad, etc, etc.

When you do this for long enough your brain will believe the bridging thoughts you have told yourself and will get to the point where you are actually confident! The great thing about this method is it’s not based on ‘positive thinking’ but on real evidence. This is why it results in confidence.

For any further help, remember Dare2Date offers individual coaching to support you.

Happy approaching.

Debbie x


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