Do you keep choosing the wrong men over and over again? Do you start off thinking they are different only to find underneath they are all the same.
How you ever wondered why you do this or how you can stop it?
There are a number of reasons why you do this and here they are:
- You end up in a bad relationship because you don’t learn from your mistakes.
- You have poor self-esteem.
- You are looking for someone to complete you, as you believe you are incomplete.
- You have a fear of commitment.
- You enjoy excitement, you love drama, you love risk taking.
- You love the challenge of the pursuit of unavailable men.
- However, one of the main reasons could be you are subconsciously trying to heal your past. Freud calls this ‘repetition compulsion’. Your subconscious mind gets you to choose someone who is like the parent who hurt you or let you down in childhood. You are looking for partners who re-enforce your view of yourself. If you had a parent who was unavailable or inconsistent offering warmth and affection you will think of yourself as unlovable. If you grew up in a home where you were ignored or were invisible you could be susceptible to being attracted to distant men who withhold affection. The reason you are drawn to the person is to support the familiar feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness and to attempt to heal yourself. This type of relationship is destined for failure. It is destined for failure as the fault is with the other person and not you. They are often damaged in the same way your parent/s were and they are literally unable to give you any more than your parents could. What happens is you don’t easily give up on these types of partners. Why, because you want to be successful and heal- so you replay the drama, dance, struggle over and over again. The familiar is comfortable and you are attracted to what you are familiar with, even if it is unhealthy
Ok so I have covered the reasons why, but now let’s look at some simple ways you can change your patterns:
- First off you need to be aware you have a problem – being conscious of the issue is the first step.
- Look at your dating history and identify the patterns. Focus on what each relationship had in common. Try to identify what needs are driving you with your relationship choices. Have a good look at your past relationships. For each person you have been with – list the top five qualities you loved about them and also list the top five qualities you couldn’t live with. Look at the similarities of the qualities you couldn’t live with. Recognise your patterns – it is the first step to changing them. Challenging the patterns of your negative behaviour will give you the reward of a loving and meaningful relationship.
- CHOOSE to break the pattern so next time you can establish a better relationship with a different outcome.
- Watch your inner critical voice – don’t listen to the messages where you tell yourself you don’t deserve happiness or need anyone in your life.
- Set the intention for your life and your future relationships. What do you want and who do you want a relationship with. Examine how you can be emotionally, spiritually and physically strong. Once you have identified your reasons for choosing badly in the past, don’t continue to focus on those reasons. Instead focus on the type of man you want to be with and the life you want to create. Focus on how you want to FEEL. What you focus on becomes your reality and remember you accept the love you think you deserve.
- Learn how to spot the bad qualities and the guy who will control/manipulate you. Seriously if you don’t want to smoke you don’t buy cigarettes – the same applies to men.
- Get some professional help –you may need to go and get some counselling. Or if you have had some counselling in the past you could use a life coach, self help books and hang out with happy couples to show you a great relationship is possible. BUILD YOUR SELF ESTEEM!
- Be patient with you – change takes time. It may not happen overnight but it will happen.
- I recommend being friends first. This allows you to get to know the person – does he listen, is he respectful, is he caring, does he say sorry. Friends first allows to get a realistic picture without the emotional attachment.
Self-sufficient, confident and discerning – Mr Right is looking for you. If you want to find a great guy this is the key. Remember if you look for a man to give you your self-worth you are setting yourself up for heartache and ultimately an unhealthy relationship.
As always happy dating.
Debbie x
